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Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011: Hit Rewind. Far from my best year. In fact, one of the tougher years of my life. It has been the year of heartbreak and setback. Currently I'm farm-sitting formy cousin L. in Washington state, with lots of time to reflect on the past year. Here it is in a nutshell: The oldest friendship of my life came to a sudden end in July, coupled with a move away from the farm. I was asked to leave the farm and given manifold family reasons as to why such a difficult decision was necessary. This was hard, and it has not been easier over the first few months as I realized that (a) the reasons were spurious, and (b) this decision was apparently made at least a year prior to the fateful day in July when I got the notice to leave. I suppose a more detective brain than mine might have seen the signs over the intervening months, but at any rate, I didn't. So: friendship over.
Forgiveness? Oh, no problem. I have forgiven the old friend, the co-instigator of my expulsion from my new home. I understand why this person did what she did. But I do not want to be around anyone who could do such a thing. Good people can do bad things and still be good people. I still don't want to be around the ones who've purposely done a bad thing to me.
But the real heartbreak was Piper's death at the end of September. I am haunted by her final moments still, and I miss her terribly. I almost feel like one of Philip Pullman's characters who's had her daemon severed. Yep, I know: Piper was a dog, not a human. But in terms of losing a loved one, well. I've had beloved dogs die before, but none as much a part of my life as the varmint Pipes.
Setbacks: work. There are many yoga teachers in greater Victoria. Being an older teacher, one who is still a big-framed peasant, is a disadvantage. Growing this career, if I decide to do so, may require relocation in addition to the ongoing quest for muscle tone. I just want to make this decision based on my own goals, not because my life has been fucked over this year and I want to run as far away as possible.

I know I'm still one of the luckiest people on this planet, even as unhappy as I currently am. My father and brothers have been supportive in their way. My remaining friends have been steadfast and kind. So what did I learn? That even people you think you can trust forever can prove to be merely human and prone to fucking up colossally and irretrievably. Someone who's made as many missteps as I have over the decades shouldn't be surprised when others make them.
Summary: bad year. What's important is not to consider that the past three years were a terrible mistake and waste of time, and that I should never have tried something new. Miles Davis said there are no mistakes. There was no guarantee of untrammelled happiness. If I'm to continue, then I have to look beyond the inevitable heartbreaks of life. People overcome heartbreak and loss. But I will not apologize for calling the events of 2011 heartbreaks or setbacks. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling bad because shitty things have happened. I hope this feeling will pass and my flame will stop sputtering and once again burn brightly. Still, only a few more hours left in 2011. Thank fuck.