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Monday, March 21, 2011
Inconvenient. I've been battling Poison Brain the last week or so. Everything that happens is exaggerated into operatic proportions, and the hardest work is convincing myself that, despite flaws, I'm still basically a good person, worthy of love. Thank gaw for the yoga classes -- when I'm teaching, I'm happy, completely outside of the dank, disquiet brain. However: I'm counting the weeks until I leave Toastmasters. It has become a focus of negativity, and I've always disliked its bureaucracy. As of June 20-ish, I'm gone.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Six days on...The family member embarks on a Jane-free future. My future is (Name)-less. All my doing, through blind denial and ego. I know I wouldn't take me back. I'm living with this reality. Yes, it sucks. Yes, lesson learned.


Thursday, March 03, 2011
Heartbreak. Caused by ego. A couple of glimmers exist. One: knowing that self-hatred, an offshoot of ego, is the root of the heartbreak, and accepting that the only way to heal is to shut off that hatred, no matter how insistent it is. Two: I am still sober.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Someone I love has just cut me out, completely, with blunt words: "You don't care about anyone but yourself, and I'm done." I know it's not true, that I do care about this person, utterly in fact. The reality is that I have allowed myself to develop inconsiderate behaviour about returning phone calls and other messages. I think no one will care, it's just me. I allowed myself to get away with thinking that. Turns out, surprise, it's not true. And now I know that the worst time to find out that someone cared is when he/she doesn't any longer. It is a heartbreak born of carelessness. It is mine to live with.
I'm always surprised when something I write causes a reaction. I'm surprised that not hearing from me would matter to people other than creditors. I matter to other people. And the person who has cut me out will always matter to me. I love you. I'm sorry. Thank you for the life lesson.